Breaking away from patterns
I started this year with one phrase in my head - "Enough of this shit".
I was tired of playing small, trapped behind all the barriers I had set up for myself over the years.
I was tired of hiding my emotions, my fears, and my insecurities about myself as I pursued my soul-aligned path in life.
After my mum passed away this summer, I realized something I always knew on a subconscious level. I had been programmed according to a set of instructions that my mother had passed on to me, which her parents probably passed on to her.
Growing up, there were only two emotions shown in our home - happiness and anger. I am immensely grateful for all the joy because we valued the little things in life.
But I never experienced my parents go through fear, sadness, adversity.
I felt all those emotions in me, and as I grew up it felt unsafe to express those emotions.
I had a rule in my head, which had never been spoken to me, yet it was the rule in my family - "Emotions make you look weak". And after talking to cousins and friends of my mother, they confirmed that my mum held that view very strongly.
My mum hid all her fears, hopes, sadness, behind a veil. And I hid behind the same veil.
I was unconsciously taught that I shouldn't express my pride, my fears, my confidence, my sadness, my love - everything had to be neatly wrapped up on the outside.
Thankfully for me, life had other plans. I am a fucking rebel.
I went down the yoga and meditation path, which really brought me closer to myself. I then worked with coaches who helped me see the layers that needed to be peeled off, in order to show up as my whole self. I had so much trust in my journey that I kept on going.
So when I said, "Enough of this shit" in January, the universe began to lead me to people and avenues that offered me love and support as I go through the process of unlearning and unravelling the programming that has held me back my whole life.
No more hiding. No more worrying if I'm good enough. I express love freely and openly to the people I care about.
It's just the beginning and the journey has already been so beautiful. It hasn't been an easy ride, but I can't wait to see what the universe has in store for me next.